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JumboJet


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A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'

'When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

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JumboJet


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Chicago ATC:

O'Hare approach control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a fokker, one o'clock, three miles eastbound"

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.....I've got the little fokker in sight."


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JumboJet


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The German Air Traffic Controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short temper lot. They not only expect to know one's parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we(PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, callsign Speedbird 206:

Speedbird206: "Frankfurt ground, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"

Frankfurt Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One Seven."

The BA pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop

Frankfurt Ground: "Speedbird 206, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird206: "Stand by ground, I'm looking for gate location now."

Ground(with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird206(Coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but I did not stop"


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JumboJet


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This one takes the cake


Lost pilot: "unidentified airport with a white Cessna 172 circling above you, please identify yourself."



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JumboJet


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Student pilot: "xxxtown tower, Cessna 123 is out of fuel."

tower: "Cessna 123, announce position please! And will you need emergency services?!"

Student pilot: "Uh, tower, I'm on the south apron. I just need to know where the fuel truck is."


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HAWK21M


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Nice ones.


Out here some AMEs rag the Flight crew with Jokes all the time


regds


MEL



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JumboJet


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HAWK21M wrote:


Nice ones.


Out here some AMEs rag the Flight crew with Jokes all the time


regds


MEL



pls share

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shivendrashukla


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Subject: Osama targets Qutab Minar
Osama bin Laden had originally planned the strikes undertaken in New York and Washington against the other 'Evil Empire' - India.
He had positioned his cells in various Indians cities and prepared the ground for hijackings. However, after the dry runs for the exercise were undertaken by Osama's lieutenants, the Saudi warlord decided to drop plans for India and opt for the softer target - the United States.
Why this change of heart? Scattered transcripts of email and cell exchanges between Osama and the cells gives us an inkling into what actually occurred.

Here is one particularly interesting email:
Osama : Assalam Waliekum
We had carried out the exercise you asked us to do.We had targetted the Qutab Minar in Delhi and we had very easily entered five Indian Airlines Planes flying from Mumbai to New Delhi.

Not only did we enter them with our knives undetected, we also carried in guns and grenades as our hand luggage.
But the operation could not be carried out because of the following reasons:

1) Flight No. 1: Did not take off. It had apparently developed technical problems which the IA ground crew was unable to rectify for two days.

2) Flight No. 2: Was overbooked and we were offloaded by rude IA staff despite having confirmed tickets that we had booked a month in advance. Apparently, there was a group of VIPs who were travelling at the last moment and had to be accommodated.

3) Flight No. 3: Did take off with us on board.However, it was forced to land at Jaipur because of a fuel shortage.

4) Flight No. 4: Took off and was successfully approaching Delhi. We were about to take over the aircraft when suddenly it started descending steeply. On investigating, we learnt that both pilots were Banias and were closely related. During the course of a chat, they entered into an argument over their parental property and when the matter got intense, they started physical fighting leaving the aircraft to an air hostess to land somewhere in Madhya Pradesh. It took us three days by bullock cart to reach Delhi and there was no point in hijacking that vehicle.

5) Flight No. 5: We had taken over the controls of the plane without any bloodshed. We paid Rs.5,000 each to the pilots who agreed to jump out leaving the plane to us and we went ahead to destroy Qutab Minar. As we increased the velocity for the approach, the plane wobbled, developed a snag, and had to be landed somewhere in Haryana. It took us one day by bus to reach New Delhi.

Flight No. 6: Was our most successful attempt. We had taken over the flight and were approaching the Qutab Minar when we were suddenly attacked by a group of hoodlums. Apparently, a certain Indian politician called Laloo Prasad yadav was on board along with his supporters and he was angry over being diverted, and instead wanted the flight to be taken directly to Patna.We were simply outnumbered. We were thrown out of the plane. We are now sending you this report from the All India Institute of Medical Sciences' emergency ward. The situation is worse here and nobody cares about us.

In the name of Allah , please rescue us from this Hell please !Subject: Osama targets Qutab Minar

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shivendrashukla


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ALL TRADEMARKS ARE COPYRIGHTED BY THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS!!!!

(Seriously joke for laughing purpose only... don't read if u are offended easily)

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the_380


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shivendrashukla wrote:

ALL TRADEMARKS ARE COPYRIGHTED BY THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS!!!!

(Seriously joke for laughing purpose only... don't read if u are offended easily)


Thats a nice one thanx for sharing


rgds


the_380



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JumboJet


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This was written by a guy, and shared to me by a man twice my age and an aviation stalwart and a name to reckon with... it's pretty damn smart.

No offence Girls -- But please do Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

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