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Post Info TOPIC: Cabin Jokes-A Must Read...


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Cabin Jokes-A Must Read...
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THEY SAY THESE ARE TRUE BUT I DONT KNOW PLEASE READ THEM SOME NAMES OF AIRPORTS ARE IN CODES PLEASE UNDERSTND THEM:


On an Easy Jet flight a couple of years ago LTN-AGP
'Thank you for flying with easy jet today, we hope you have enjoyed your flight. If you have not, thanks for flying with Ryan Air'



While literally taxing all around IAH not long ago on a CO B738 to TPA we left E24, about the farthest southeast gate on the airport to get to Runway 33L for departure. After about what seemed like 15 minutes of non stop taxi the FO gets on the PA for the "flight attendants be seated for departure", almost immediately followed by the Captain saying "now that we have driven over 1/2 way to Louisiana, do you mind if we fly the rest of the way to TPA"?



"Ladies and Gentlemen this is Captain Smith, I'll be flying the plane today along with First Officer Jones who will be doing the paperwork"



I was on CO flight coming from IAH to EWR and when we were put in holding a pattern and the captain came on and told the passengers what was going on and when he was finished the F/O came on and said “Ladies and gentlemen please forgive the captain for lying we are not in a holding we are looking for any strange car parked in his driveway once this is done we will be on are way to the destination thank you for your understanding”



So I was going from OSL to TOS right before christmas back in '98 on a SAS MD-81 which was fully loaded of passengers and luggage. When the plane had moved from the taxiway to the runway ready for take-off the pilot announces on the P/A: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now prepared for take-off. Let's see if we can get airborne with all the presents and baggage you've brought aboard!"



I was on a WN flight last year PIT-PHL. At the end of the flight was of the pilots said: We realize you have a choice in who you fly, if you enjoyed the flight, we invite you to comeback, we are Southwest Airlines. If you didn't enjoy the flight we are American Airlines, have a nice day.



Try landing on 18R (or taking off on 36L) at AMS - some times it's a 20 minutes to taxi to/from the gate. That runway is so far away I think it's in the next country!



I was on a WN flight from SNA-SJC. The flight was not very full at all. Right before push, the Captain comes on and says, "folks, I'd appreciate if y'all could move to a window seat on the left side of the aircraft so that American to our left thinks we are completely full".



Two weeks ago, I flew SJC-SAN. One of our wonderfull F/A's came on and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you do not like our service our jokes or the way we do things here at Southwest Airlines, this aircraft is equipped with 6 emergency exits..." and then continued on with the safety demo.



London-Chicago, stacked and stooging around over the Lake in eight-eighths cloud for ages - turning. climbing, descending......
The Captain came on and said, "Contrary to appearances, ladies and gentlemen, we DO know what we're doing. We expect to be cleared for our approach any time now, and then we'll be landing at Chicago directly. Just as soon as we can find the damn place..."



I wasn't on board to hear this one, but I've read it somewhere and its the best one I've ever heard. The plane had just reached cruising altitude, and the pilot came on "Ladies and gentlemen we have now reached our cruising altitude of 34,000 feet on our way to Los Angeles, so sit back and....OH MY GOD!". After a couple minutes of dreadful silence the pilot comes back on "Ladies and gentlemen I sincerely apologize if I scared anyone earlier. You see just as I was making that announcement the flight attendant came in and accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
Hearing that a passenger in coach yells "That's nothing man you should see the back of mine!!"



I was on a WN flight MDW-CLE Easter Sunday this year. While everyone was still coming on board, the Flight Crew came on the PA and announced something to the effect of: "Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines Flight XXXX. We have 35 passangers aboard today. To put that into perspective, there are 63 aisle seats on this Boeing 737 aircraft."


 


Flying from Halifax to Montreal in April this year, the senior flight attendant was a real comedian. I think because everyone was hung over from the Juno's and there were some aging wannabe rockers still drinking on the flight.
Anyway, before takeoff he says 'If you try to smoke in the lavatory, this aircraft is equipped with sensitive smoke detectors which will immediately eject you from the plane. Air Canada do not provide parachutes.'
Then landing in Montreal he says:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, please stay seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the Captain has turned off the seatbelt sign. Although they're great pilots, they're lousy drivers on the ground'



Oh and once I was on a WN flight and when we were about 20 seconds from touchdown we did a go-around. The captain came on and said, "Sorry about that folks, another airplane didn't get off the runway in time, we're just going to do a quick circle here and we'll be landing shortly..." Then the flight attendant came on and said, "Yeah, that's what the pilot wants you to think...he just can't find the airport!"



On a United flight from DFW to IAD last year....
"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying United.....we know that you have a choice of bankrupt airlines!"



-- Edited by the_380 at 13:27, 2006-05-29

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ANYONE WITH SIMILAR EXPERIENCES PLEASE SHARE:)

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http://www.ahajokes.com/aviation_jokes.html


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The best airline humour


Agency



Unless you're up at the sharp end of the plane, flying is generally not a particularly fun way to travel, so we've thrown squashed some of the best airline jokes and tall tales around. Now settle back into your cramped economy class seat and enjoy...


An airline pilot wrote that his airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
On this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard, so so he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.


Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma’am," said the pilot, "What is it?"


The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"



Cabin announcement: "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child... pick your favourite."


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on the loudspeaker...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."



A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...'Oh my God!'"


Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"


A passenger in economy piped up: "That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!"



Coming into land after one rather rough flight, I noticed the gentleman next to me getting a bit nervous. We made a few missed approaches and the voice of the captain came over the intercom: "Sorry Ladies and Gentleman, it seems to be a bit rough at the moment but we are going to go around for another try."
At this the gent next to me became even whiter and, trying to reassure him as I am a frequent flyer, I turned to him and said: "Don't worry, I am sure they know what they are doing." To which he turned to me and said, "You don't understand, I am a pilot and I knowwhat they are doing"



 



-- Edited by karatecatman at 00:39, 2006-06-09

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing.
"If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.


"If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself. This has been a recorded announcement. Please enjoy the rest of your flight."



 



-- Edited by karatecatman at 00:40, 2006-06-09

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A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single ticket agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied: "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"


Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."


With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F&$# you!"


Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."



 



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And a nice one!


 


The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
A DC-10 landed too fast and taxied a long way down the runway before it was able to turn towards the terminal.
San Josè Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."



O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that little Fokker in my sights."



A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



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thats excellent

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Hehe....really hilarious!

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Nice ones.


Thanks for Sharing.


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Haha enjoy these too


Specially for Maintenance guys


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.  

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.) 



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. 



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 



 P: Something loose in ****pit. 
S: Something tightened in ****pit. 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 


S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspected crack in windshield. 


S: Suspect you're right. 


P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny. 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.


P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in ****pit. 
S: Cat installed. 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
S: Took hammer away from midget


 



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Those are good ones loved them but had read some before too on the web

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Old One.But fun to read Everytime.Pity can't use them Officially.


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Imagine such jokes in India.. u ll b fired



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Do you really get pilots who write complaints like that??


HAWK21M wrote:


Old One.But fun to read Everytime.Pity can't use them Officially. regds MEL



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Bhargavi wrote:


  Haha enjoy these too Specially for Maintenance guys


Great stuff. Real funny. Never read it before. Thanks for sharing.


Olly



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vivekman wrote:


Do you really get pilots who write complaints like that?? HAWK21M wrote: Old One.But fun to read Everytime.Pity can't use them Officially. regds MEL


No.A PDR has to be Descriptive to Enable Mx to Troubleshoot better.


regds


MEL



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