THEY SAY THESE ARE TRUE BUT I DONT KNOW PLEASE READ THEM SOME NAMES OF AIRPORTS ARE IN CODES PLEASE UNDERSTND THEM:

On an Easy Jet flight a couple of years ago LTN-AGP
'Thank you for flying with easy jet today, we hope you have enjoyed your flight. If you have not, thanks for flying with Ryan Air'

While literally taxing all around IAH not long ago on a CO B738 to TPA we left E24, about the farthest southeast gate on the airport to get to Runway 33L for departure. After about what seemed like 15 minutes of non stop taxi the FO gets on the PA for the "flight attendants be seated for departure", almost immediately followed by the Captain saying "now that we have driven over 1/2 way to Louisiana, do you mind if we fly the rest of the way to TPA"?

"Ladies and Gentlemen this is Captain Smith, I'll be flying the plane today along with First Officer Jones who will be doing the paperwork"

I was on CO flight coming from IAH to EWR and when we were put in holding a pattern and the captain came on and told the passengers what was going on and when he was finished the F/O came on and said “Ladies and gentlemen please forgive the captain for lying we are not in a holding we are looking for any strange car parked in his driveway once this is done we will be on are way to the destination thank you for your understanding”

So I was going from OSL to TOS right before christmas back in '98 on a SAS MD-81 which was fully loaded of passengers and luggage. When the plane had moved from the taxiway to the runway ready for take-off the pilot announces on the P/A: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now prepared for take-off. Let's see if we can get airborne with all the presents and baggage you've brought aboard!"

I was on a WN flight last year PIT-PHL. At the end of the flight was of the pilots said: We realize you have a choice in who you fly, if you enjoyed the flight, we invite you to comeback, we are Southwest Airlines. If you didn't enjoy the flight we are American Airlines, have a nice day.

Try landing on 18R (or taking off on 36L) at AMS - some times it's a 20 minutes to taxi to/from the gate. That runway is so far away I think it's in the next country!

I was on a WN flight from SNA-SJC. The flight was not very full at all. Right before push, the Captain comes on and says, "folks, I'd appreciate if y'all could move to a window seat on the left side of the aircraft so that American to our left thinks we are completely full".

Two weeks ago, I flew SJC-SAN. One of our wonderfull F/A's came on and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you do not like our service our jokes or the way we do things here at Southwest Airlines, this aircraft is equipped with 6 emergency exits..." and then continued on with the safety demo.

London-Chicago, stacked and stooging around over the Lake in eight-eighths cloud for ages - turning. climbing, descending......
The Captain came on and said, "Contrary to appearances, ladies and gentlemen, we DO know what we're doing. We expect to be cleared for our approach any time now, and then we'll be landing at Chicago directly. Just as soon as we can find the damn place..."

I wasn't on board to hear this one, but I've read it somewhere and its the best one I've ever heard. The plane had just reached cruising altitude, and the pilot came on "Ladies and gentlemen we have now reached our cruising altitude of 34,000 feet on our way to Los Angeles, so sit back and....OH MY GOD!". After a couple minutes of dreadful silence the pilot comes back on "Ladies and gentlemen I sincerely apologize if I scared anyone earlier. You see just as I was making that announcement the flight attendant came in and accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
Hearing that a passenger in coach yells "That's nothing man you should see the back of mine!!"

I was on a WN flight MDW-CLE Easter Sunday this year. While everyone was still coming on board, the Flight Crew came on the PA and announced something to the effect of: "Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines Flight XXXX. We have 35 passangers aboard today. To put that into perspective, there are 63 aisle seats on this Boeing 737 aircraft."

Flying from Halifax to Montreal in April this year, the senior flight attendant was a real comedian. I think because everyone was hung over from the Juno's and there were some aging wannabe rockers still drinking on the flight.
Anyway, before takeoff he says 'If you try to smoke in the lavatory, this aircraft is equipped with sensitive smoke detectors which will immediately eject you from the plane. Air Canada do not provide parachutes.'
Then landing in Montreal he says:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, please stay seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the Captain has turned off the seatbelt sign. Although they're great pilots, they're lousy drivers on the ground'

Oh and once I was on a WN flight and when we were about 20 seconds from touchdown we did a go-around. The captain came on and said, "Sorry about that folks, another airplane didn't get off the runway in time, we're just going to do a quick circle here and we'll be landing shortly..." Then the flight attendant came on and said, "Yeah, that's what the pilot wants you to think...he just can't find the airport!"

On a United flight from DFW to IAD last year....
"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying United.....we know that you have a choice of bankrupt airlines!"